Windshield Wipers.

When you get right down to it, windshield wipers are really for the benefit of other people. Those of us that are into exploring new direction, don't necessarily need to see clearly to do so. 

Farewell my furry friend.

2:47am Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

The Party Van is confronted by a skunk on highway 64/40 (mile marker 29 westbound)

This meeting resulted in the skunk receiving a very fast but complimentary spine adjustment, courtesy of the Goodyear corporation. The Driver is concerned that this hospitality has gone horribly wrong, and ended with the furry bastard's demise. The Driver, and The Party Van would like to publicly apologize to skunk and kin for this inconvenience. On the bright side Mr. skunk, you were scrambling straight toward a jersey wall that runs at least 12 miles in both directions, so I probably saved you a shitload of hassle.

Magic is in the air, a winter flashback:

Ever so often, when the right sequence of events take place, the thrill of partying materializes and magically floats around those who created it. This can not be seen with the naked eye. It will however enter the bloodstream via the lungs, and a heightened state of euphoria occurs. 

This past winter a lucky Party Van passenger caught this moment in a photograph, a very rare thing indeed. It's one thing to get the magic going, but to also capture the moment in a photo has probably never been done before.

In case your not grasping the rarity of this photo, a panel of experts have studied the picture and found it to be completely authentic. They then met with select persons in the particle physics, and party field. The result was a massive dossier, that now resides in the hands of top scientists.

"This is a new realm we are now entering, with the discovery of these particles and the circumstances in which they exist, we are that much closer to a universal quantum mechanics and thermodynamics standard."

-Stephen Hawking 

"Wow, those guys took it up a notch." 

-Andrew W K

"I've partied  my ass off... but it never lead to any scientific discoveries."
-Dennis Rodman

How to improve a bullshit billboard:

A head to head battle!!

Recently, The Driver took a bunch of rowdies on a hellbound journey to Memphis. 

When calculating how much booze we would need for the trip, it was decided we should upgrade to a bigger boat.

I will not try to put into words what kind of Partying happened on that weekend in Memphis. What follows is a comparison between these two Party Vehicles.

Party Van make: Chevy

Party Bus make: Chevy

OK well that one's a draw.

Handling:

The Party Van has a high center of gravity, and poor suspension. This means cornering at high speeds will throw bodies from side to side, and every bump in the road shakes one to the bone.

The Party Bus is a behemoth with good suspension. This means cornering at high speeds is impossible, and very little of the road is felt by The Driver or passenger.

Winner: The Party Van

Climate Control:

The Party Van has lost all it's coolant. This means windows down in hot weather. Which allows everyone inside to taste the sweet summer air, and everyone outside to hear the 

Thrash/Folk/Black/Death/Power Metal as The Party Van tears by.

 

The Party Bus has a giant AC unit that can be seen mounted outside the vehicle. This gives the illusion of arctic air being readily available at the turn of a dial. But in fact when you have a bus full of energetic partyers, and blistering heat of summer sun, The Party Bus is only cool at night. 

Winner: The Party Van

Entertainment:
The Party Van has on board the heaviest and most evil ipod on the planet. Also, it is usually stocked with a healthy combination of weapons and explosives.

The Party Bus was not equipped with any of these things, and had to be prepped by The Driver. While it did have a DVD player and monitor, we found it difficult to party
and follow the plot of a movie simultaneously.
 

Winner: The Party Van

Note: The Party Bus does have a card table, so if you're the kind of jerk who want's to play cards on a Party Bus, then this category win would go to The Party Bus.  

 

So it's probably no surprise The Party Van wins the battle, after all I own it! If I had a Party Bus, I would fix all these shortcomings, and have another string of epic parties!!   

 

 

"Shred it while ya got it"

-The Party Van

Are you too old to play with toys?

I remember promising myself I'd play with toys forever, kinda didn't follow through on that one. I do have a Party Van though, so I got that goin' for me... which is nice.

Hey Kids!!

Party Van has free health care!!

During the last couple outings, there has been one passenger that has had trouble keeping his last meal down. Perhaps due to a bad mix of strong drink,
this might have been inevitable under any circumstances.
But just in case the cause is a sensitive inner ear,
The Driver has added Dramamine to The Party Van's amenities.
It's either that, or drive in a straight line, at a reasonable speed... Ha! that'll  be the day.

Snow Report / Shred Conditions

Monday 4:30am to 6:00am:

The Party Van is very happy to report EXCELLENT shred conditions. There has been little or no increase in base. But at 16 degrees Fahrenheit the snow has a glorious layer of ice beneath it, begging to be exposed. The Party Van discovered this immediately upon entering a small church lot, just to test the situation. After painting a few spirals, it was a unanimous decision (between The Driver and The Party Van) to seek more acreage. We both were thinking of the same place, a high school parking lot that we had not shredded in a long time. Throughout the short journey, The Driver was praying to Boreas  that the next destination would share the same attributes as the last. We crest the final hill, and the lot is revealed to us in all it's glory. A pristine blanket covered the entire panorama. Not a single bald spot, or track lay in our path. With a punch of the throttle, The Party Van leaves the wet street and burns into virgin territory. What followed was 70 straight minutes of spinning, skidding, drifting, and technical weaving. 

 

Rape of Orithyia by Boreas

           

Snow Report / Shred Conditions

Sunday 6:30pm:

A little early yet for full blown shred alert. Streets still have a lot of bare wet spots. Due to an overuse of snow melting chemicals, the roads tend to have uneven coverage. Parking lots are well covered, but the under layer still has a little too much hook-up. The Party Van is going to wait to go out again, in hopes of lower temperatures and thicker base. ( less traction)

"Only with total loss off control, can one find new direction"

-The Party Van

How to deal with Johnny Law :

 If your in a Party Van, it stands to reason you will eventually run into a cop. Last night The Party Van had not one, but two encounters with the man.

   

First encounter, sobriety checkpoint: Before it could inconspicuously change direction, The Party Van found itself smack in the middle of a checkpoint. If this happens to you, don't panic! Cops can sense this emotion, and it will get them bloodthirsty. First, the officer told The Driver to count backwards  from 36 to 19.  The Driver thought this was stupid, and due to haste flubbed it twice in a row. Because of this, The Driver was asked to step out of the vehicle for further testing. The next two tests were balance oriented, and of course The Driver passed with ease. If for some reason balance is not your thing, The Driver suggests breaking into a dance routine of your choice. Obviously it's best to pick moves you have down pat. If you nail the routine, the officer is sure to compliment you, then send you on your way. Even if your dancing is atrocious, give it your full effort and you are sure to disgust the officer to the point that he / she wants you out of sight. Either way, you win.  

Second encounter, gun scare: Now this is hilarious! The Party Van had reached it's destination. As the last few passengers disembarked, a small group approached and asked for a tour of The Party Van. They were of course given a full tour. With Thrash Metal blasting, and the experienced Party Van'rs wrestling on the dance floor, The Driver thought he would put a cherry on top by lighting a Bottle Rocket. This was naturally a great idea. But just after exploding, the Bottle Rocket smoke cleared and we noticed a police car parked behind The Party Van. When The Driver went out to investigate, a cop was running up and said "who's got the gun?" The Driver explained he had just set off a Bottle Rocket, and there was no gun. Still unconvinced, and hand on his Glock, the officer needed to see everyone to confirm there were no victims. After explaining the whole ordeal in detail, the two cops were on their way. As a final punchline, The Driver overheard one cop saying to the other "did you see how much smoke was in that guy's van?"

Just to show no hard feelings, here are 6 cops The Driver loves and respects:

Buford T Justice

Jack Slater
 

Chief Wiggum
 

Sheriff Bart
 

I know what your thinkin, did he show 6 cops or only 5? Well to tell ya the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement.

P.S. 

How great would this have been?

Party Van PSI (Party Scene Investigation)

Ever so often, The Driver decides to clean the inside of The Party Van. Keeping in mind everything that occurs in The Party Van is a work of art, The Driver carefully selects cleaning intervals. Lets take a look at what remnants have been left by the last couple months of partying. 

This is a good pile! What say we break it down a little.

 

Food Group: Partying requires a lot of energy, so when purchasing Party snacks focus on carbs and sugars. Here we have a lone Combo. Looks like it was pretzel and cheeze. How does a floor residing Combo become cheezeless and chipped but still hold it's tube shape?  Some things in The Party Van can not be explained.

The pair of Dots are in good shape as well. Perhaps it's the blue green spectrum that is best for surviving stomps, smooshes, and smashes. In case you don't know, a smash is straight down, and a smoosh is down and forward. (leaves kind of a skidmark) I tried to present this blue green theory to Dots, but they have not responded. Please do your own experiments, and let Dots know the results. Send info to: double u double u double u dot Dots dot com. Say that 5 times fast!

   

Fashion: Someone left behind one of these trendy rubber wristbands. Usually, The Driver thinks these are stupid. The fact that this one is all black, and says nothing makes it a little cooler.

Arsenal: Wacky String is a great thing to have. Many times a Party is at what seems to be the peak, then Wacky String comes along and takes things up a notch or two.

Note: The can proudly states "over 250 feet of safe party fun!!" Let it be known that on one occasion a passenger channeled Thrash Metal through his body, to his fingertip, and got 666 feet out of a single can.

Meds: Here we see what got left behind after a passenger medicated him / her self. I'm sure the result was a massive second wind. 

  

 Food Group: Beer is a no brainer when it comes to stocking The Party Van. On this cleaning the crack tab was the only evidence of  Beer, but I can assure you it was omnipresent.

Unknown Group: This small red rubber bit was probably a part of a larger red rubber gizmo, which could have been transformed due to any combination of  tearing, exploding, cutting, gnawing, popping, or violent tossing.

Currency: Needless to say, it's a good idea to carry some purchase power when partying. As we see here, someone has lost a little. Probably has to do with the inevitable hazard of being in the human crumple zone / dance floor. Hopefully this was not the majority of their bankroll, and the loss was not a killjoy.

Fashion: You can stop rubbing your eyes, that IS in fact an underwear waistband. As far as I know, this is a first in the history of the world. A passenger had such a great time, his undergarments literally exploded off his body.

Arsenal: Bottle Rockets!! As far as The Party Van is concerned, Bottle Rockets rank right under gas in order of importance. The Party Van recommends Black Cat Silver Fox. Not only do you get the typical blast off and report, but The Silver Fox adds a stream of sparks throughout its journey. 

Party Van complaint / rant:

It really chaps my ass when a Party-Van-Party-Spot is ruined by some responsible nitwit. At some point the powers that be for the Blockbuster entity decided it was dangerous to have a giant sheet of ice covering the majority of their parking lot. So instead of fixing the problem at the source, they instead spend money on the rental of this god forsaken contraption!

(The small piles are not snow, but the end of my fun.)

Was it the swirly designs of rubber burned into bare portions of the lot that got them thinking on how to stop this problem? Maybe... but if so, it was worth it!

On the bright side, there is forecast for snow tonight, and the freezing rain is here now.

Party Van driving tip:

Whenever driving in sub freezing temperatures, scan parking lots for ice.

It's possible to find a bloated fat-cat corporation who does not maintain their sprinkler system.

 

Needless to say, this makes for some ripping good fun.

The fact that one can go from zero traction to 100% in just a few feet makes for a unique experience. Imagine getting some speed around a corner, then whipping a hell of a spin, all the while knowing the tarmac demon is gonna grab you soon. Once you hit that dry pavement, the spin will be jolted to a straight line in a millisecond! 

If by a very rare chance there's a lull in the passengers partying, this technique is sure to jump-start them back into manic euphoria.

Don't be fooled by an imposter!!

Today while ripping a shortcut through a parking lot, I saw a van with "Party America" in giant letters on it's side. (Obviously a delivery vehicle for the store of the same name) Feeling a brotherhood vibe, I pulled up next to the bloke loading some goods, and said "Party Van huh, you got any Thrash Metal in there?" He looked at me like he was about to give directions to a junkyard, and I tore off in disgust. "That was no Party Van" I yelled! The experience got me thinking... what other things share the same name, but one is clearly superior.

There's only one Slayer in my world!

 

Some may have trouble choosing this one. (Not me!)

What creator do you listen to?

 

Remember when RPG stood for rocket propelled grenade and there were no nerdy role playing games!

 

Nuff Said!!

Passenger Etiquette:

"When partying in The Party Van and the Thrash Metal is perfect, you may find yourself compelled to scream aloud and repeatedly punch the ceiling to the beat. You must act on this instinct. To refrain would be considered rude to both The Driver and The Party Van. If acting on the instinct is made difficult by the fact that you are sitting on the floor in the midst of the human crumple zone, you must move. Get atop one of your fellow party-ers, gently use them a human step ladder and pound on the ceiling with vigor."

"In The Party Van every party instinct must be explored with vitality."

-Mr. Awesome

Party Van driving tip:

If you see a laundry basket on the road RUN IT OVER! When done correctly it will lodge itself to your undercarriage. You then have the fun of wondering how long this blessing will be along for the ride. When it does dislodge do not fret, this just means you have passed the torch to the next enthusiast. A kind of "pay it forward"

How to improve a bullshit billboard:

Party Van driving tip:

Had a little snow out there! As always, The Party Van was shredding from the first snowflake to the last. At one point the Party Van witnessed a novice shredder lose control, slam on his brakes, and slide a straight line into idiocy. This is WRONG! Any time chaos takes your Party in an unplanned direction, stomp the gas pedal and embrace your new destiny with gusto!

What is a Party Van?

Party vans were invented approximately in 1960 on Thursday at 8:59pm

    Not knowing the Americans had already done it, a Russian man came up with the idea 10 minutes later.     (for the people of course)

Now we have party vans in many shapes and sizes.

Even the rich people are joining in by one upping the middle class party van.

Some will chose to customize with paint jobs.

 

Sometimes it's a small party.

Or a long party!

Some like to bring a camera for memories.

Parties of the past.

 

Parties of the future!

Now that you know what a party van is, this blog will focus on one particular Party Van.

This Party Van is in St Louis, and has been voted best Party Van by everyone in the world. There was one who did not agree with the rest of us, but scientists have found a flaw in his DNA that renders him clueless in critiquing party vans. Research is underway to find a cure for him. If you would like to help, you may send donations at CureStevenFuddlaker.com