Monday, February 15, 2010

Snow Report / Shred Conditions

Monday 4:30am to 6:00am:
The Party Van is very happy to report EXCELLENT shred conditions. There has been little or no increase in base. But at 16 degrees Fahrenheit the snow has a glorious layer of ice beneath it, begging to be exposed. The Party Van discovered this immediately upon entering a small church lot, just to test the situation. After painting a few spirals, it was a unanimous decision (between The Driver and The Party Van) to seek more acreage. We both were thinking of the same place, a high school parking lot that we had not shredded in a long time. Throughout the short journey, The Driver was praying to Boreas  that the next destination would share the same attributes as the last. We crest the final hill, and the lot is revealed to us in all it's glory. A pristine blanket covered the entire panorama. Not a single bald spot, or track lay in our path. With a punch of the throttle, The Party Van leaves the wet street and burns into virgin territory. What followed was 70 straight minutes of spinning, skidding, drifting, and technical weaving. 

Rape of Orithyia by Boreas

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Snow Report / Shred Conditions

Sunday 6:30pm:
A little early yet for full blown shred alert. Streets still have a lot of bare wet spots. Due to an overuse of snow melting chemicals, the roads tend to have uneven coverage. Parking lots are well covered, but the under layer still has a little too much hook-up. The Party Van is going to wait to go out again, in hopes of lower temperatures and thicker base. ( less traction)

"Only with total loss off control, can one find new direction"

-The Party Van

Sunday, February 7, 2010

How to deal with Johnny Law :

 If your in a Party Van, it stands to reason you will eventually run into a cop. Last night The Party Van had not one, but two encounters with the man.
First encounter, sobriety checkpoint: Before it could inconspicuously change direction, The Party Van found itself smack in the middle of a checkpoint. If this happens to you, don't panic! Cops can sense this emotion, and it will get them bloodthirsty. First, the officer told The Driver to count backwards  from 36 to 19.  The Driver thought this was stupid, and due to haste flubbed it twice in a row. Because of this, The Driver was asked to step out of the vehicle for further testing. The next two tests were balance oriented, and of course The Driver passed with ease. If for some reason balance is not your thing, The Driver suggests breaking into a dance routine of your choice. Obviously it's best to pick moves you have down pat. If you nail the routine, the officer is sure to compliment you, then send you on your way. Even if your dancing is atrocious, give it your full effort and you are sure to disgust the officer to the point that he / she wants you out of sight. Either way, you win.  

Second encounter, gun scare: Now this is hilarious! The Party Van had reached it's destination. As the last few passengers disembarked, a small group approached and asked for a tour of The Party Van. They were of course given a full tour. With Thrash Metal blasting, and the experienced Party Van'rs wrestling on the dance floor, The Driver thought he would put a cherry on top by lighting a Bottle Rocket. This was naturally a great idea. But just after exploding, the Bottle Rocket smoke cleared and we noticed a police car parked behind The Party Van. When The Driver went out to investigate, a cop was running up and said "who's got the gun?" The Driver explained he had just set off a Bottle Rocket, and there was no gun. Still unconvinced, and hand on his Glock, the officer needed to see everyone to confirm there were no victims. After explaining the whole ordeal in detail, the two cops were on their way. As a final punchline, The Driver overheard one cop saying to the other "did you see how much smoke was in that guy's van?"

Just to show no hard feelings, here are 6 cops The Driver loves and respects:

Buford T Justice

Jack Slater
Chief Wiggum
Sheriff Bart
I know what your thinkin, did he show 6 cops or only 5? Well to tell ya the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement.

How great would this have been?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Party Van PSI (Party Scene Investigation)

Ever so often, The Driver decides to clean the inside of The Party Van. Keeping in mind everything that occurs in The Party Van is a work of art, The Driver carefully selects cleaning intervals. Lets take a look at what remnants have been left by the last couple months of partying. 

This is a good pile! What say we break it down a little.

Food Group: Partying requires a lot of energy, so when purchasing Party snacks focus on carbs and sugars. Here we have a lone Combo. Looks like it was pretzel and cheeze. How does a floor residing Combo become cheezeless and chipped but still hold it's tube shape?  Some things in The Party Van can not be explained.

The pair of Dots are in good shape as well. Perhaps it's the blue green spectrum that is best for surviving stomps, smooshes, and smashes. In case you don't know, a smash is straight down, and a smoosh is down and forward. (leaves kind of a skidmark) I tried to present this blue green theory to Dots, but they have not responded. Please do your own experiments, and let Dots know the results. Send info to: double u double u double u dot Dots dot com. Say that 5 times fast!

Fashion: Someone left behind one of these trendy rubber wristbands. Usually, The Driver thinks these are stupid. The fact that this one is all black, and says nothing makes it a little cooler.

Arsenal: Wacky String is a great thing to have. Many times a Party is at what seems to be the peak, then Wacky String comes along and takes things up a notch or two.
Note: The can proudly states "over 250 feet of safe party fun!!" Let it be known that on one occasion a passenger channeled Thrash Metal through his body, to his fingertip, and got 666 feet out of a single can.

Meds: Here we see what got left behind after a passenger medicated him / her self. I'm sure the result was a massive second wind. 

 Food Group: Beer is a no brainer when it comes to stocking The Party Van. On this cleaning the crack tab was the only evidence of  Beer, but I can assure you it was omnipresent.

Unknown Group: This small red rubber bit was probably a part of a larger red rubber gizmo, which could have been transformed due to any combination of  tearing, exploding, cutting, gnawing, popping, or violent tossing.

Currency: Needless to say, it's a good idea to carry some purchase power when partying. As we see here, someone has lost a little. Probably has to do with the inevitable hazard of being in the human crumple zone / dance floor. Hopefully this was not the majority of their bankroll, and the loss was not a killjoy.

Fashion: You can stop rubbing your eyes, that IS in fact an underwear waistband. As far as I know, this is a first in the history of the world. A passenger had such a great time, his undergarments literally exploded off his body.

Arsenal: Bottle Rockets!! As far as The Party Van is concerned, Bottle Rockets rank right under gas in order of importance. The Party Van recommends Black Cat Silver Fox. Not only do you get the typical blast off and report, but The Silver Fox adds a stream of sparks throughout its journey. 

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Party Van complaint / rant:

It really chaps my ass when a Party-Van-Party-Spot is ruined by some responsible nitwit. At some point the powers that be for the Blockbuster entity decided it was dangerous to have a giant sheet of ice covering the majority of their parking lot. So instead of fixing the problem at the source, they instead spend money on the rental of this god forsaken contraption!
(The small piles are not snow, but the end of my fun.)

Was it the swirly designs of rubber burned into bare portions of the lot that got them thinking on how to stop this problem? Maybe... but if so, it was worth it!

On the bright side, there is forecast for snow tonight, and the freezing rain is here now.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Party Van driving tip:

Whenever driving in sub freezing temperatures, scan parking lots for ice.

It's possible to find a bloated fat-cat corporation who does not maintain their sprinkler system.

Needless to say, this makes for some ripping good fun.
The fact that one can go from zero traction to 100% in just a few feet makes for a unique experience. Imagine getting some speed around a corner, then whipping a hell of a spin, all the while knowing the tarmac demon is gonna grab you soon. Once you hit that dry pavement, the spin will be jolted to a straight line in a millisecond! 

If by a very rare chance there's a lull in the passengers partying, this technique is sure to jump-start them back into manic euphoria.